And Now What?

The grieving period is over, the tears are dry and they don’t visit as often as before. The pain feels different. Smiling and laughter come easier and more frequently, and suddenly a day goes by without thinking about my baby girl Ayelet.
So now what?

I think, this is what it means to “move on with my life”.

I don’t like this saying.
But I think the meaning is, at least for me, that the first phase of the process is over, and this experience is moving away from the centre of attention. This doesn’t happen quickly, it takes time. And time doesn’t heal. The only thing time does is allowing us (the time) to get used to this new situation. In my case, it was getting used to the fact that I went through stillbirth. That my Ayelet is gone.

And it’s a process, even now, almost 9 years after the stillbirth, I feel I’m still at a certain phase in the process of healing. I think it’s just the way that it is in life, right?
We are the sum of all our experiences. We deal with our most profound experiences throughout our lives, each time from a different point of view, according to where we are in life. After a while those experiences become a part of our bundle, hoping that these experiences will not determine our life’s choices. That our decisions will be made from a strong and confident place, not from a fear that is a result of a trauma.

As a graduate of very good therapy sessions, I feel safe to I say that the idea of healing from a trauma is accepting and understanding it. It’s like peace talks: no prior conditions, releasing all hostages (ourselves, right?) and just trying to live in peace with this trauma. Peace and acceptance. Acceptance and recognition- yes, this happened to me. Yes, sometimes it still hurts. It’s part of my life.
Life is a mixture of experiences and emotions, it’s not just “all good” or “all sad”.
All these experiences come together and are called “life”,  I will think happily about some of those experiences, others will make me miss someone, others will make me feel love.

How did I reach this point?
I went to therapy which really made all the difference for me and helped me on all levels. I also talked with my husband and close people about my fears, my pain and all the joy I had, and I continue to do so. I don’t go to therapy anymore, but I do keep close taps on myself, and when I think I need help, I ask for it and accept it.

Every stage of the process brings a deeper understanding, a wider acceptance and I would like to add, I don’t think about these losses I went through every single day.
There are days I don’t think about Ayelet or about my parents who passed away.
I would like to add, and wrap this thing up, that it’s Okay.