Voicemail For Jill

Voicemail For Jill- A Conversation With A Song

Voicemail For JillConversations with a song. Ever had that?
I did, with Amanda Palmer’s heart crushing and soul empowering album “There Will Be No Intermission“, especially with this song, Voicemail For Jill.

It’s weird what I’m about to say, I know, but I knew all the songs on this album long before I heard them. Once I heard them, on March 8th 2019 (when the album was released), I was overwhelmed by Amanda Palmer’s powerful voice, and that piano- how can a piano sing my heart?! I love the piano, I used to play it and I think it’s one powerful instrument, but AP takes it to new levels of expression. How does she do that?? I fell in love with her, her piano and the album became the soundtrack of writing my story.
I went through stillbirth,  and although AP’s song is about abortion, I found myself having a conversation with most of this song. It brought back many thoughts and memories from the time after the stillbirth. I heard a line and just answered out loud (I’m not that weird, I just sound it sometimes… come on, admit it, you do the same!):

`Life’s such a bitch, isn’t it?`says AP.
Yes, yes it is.

`But no one’s gonna celebrate you
No one’s gonna bring you cake
And no one’s gonna shower you with flowers
The doctor won’t congratulate you
No one on that pavement’s gonna
Shout at you that your heart also matters`
I didn’t feel like celebrating much after a stillbirth anyway, so whatever.
I didn’t want cake, I didn’t want to eat anything. It all tasted bad anyway.
And someone should have shouted that my heart also matters, you know? Because it does.

`You don’t need to offer the right explanation
You don’t need to beg for redemption or ask for forgiveness`
And even if I wanted to, what kind of explanation can I offer?? I have no idea why my baby died on the 37th week (+ 3 days), no one does!
But how is this not my fault? Or at least part of it?
Of course I have to beg for forgiveness, from my baby girl Ayelet.  Maybe there’s something wrong with me that no one knows about, that caused my baby girl to stop living. Or maybe I just did or didn’t do something really important which caused her death? The doctors told me over and over again “it’s not your fault”, but please, what do they know.

`And you don’t need a courtroom inside of your head
Where you’re acting as judge and accused and defendant and witness`
Oh but I’m so good at it.

`It’s a strange grief but it’s grief` she says, and she’s right.
I didn’t feel that my grief was whole. How can you say goodbye before you even say hello?
It’s always amazing to me that I am the only one who knew her, I’m the only one who felt her and knew my baby girl Ayelet. But it’s not the same as knowing my baby once she’s born, is it.

What would I want?
`We can talk for hours` she says, that sounds good. Or just someone who’ll listen and won’t be paid by the hour. Just listen and will be able to handle all this pain that is being talked and cried out of me.

`No one’s gonna celebrate you` she says, again, and I ask- why not? Do you have any idea what I went through? But sure, I understand why not. Because my baby’s dead, that’s why. And although I went through labour, and although it was probably the closest I could get to a glimpse of hell- and I came back to tell the tale, my baby’s dead, and therefore, I have nothing to show for it, and therefore- no one’s gonna celebrate *me*. If you don’t have a baby to show for it then… nothing.

`No one on that pavement’s gonna
Shout at you that your heart also matters`
Damnit, she’s right.
This is one of the best things to say to a woman who went through stillbirth.
You’re heart also matters.
All those feelings you’re feeling are exactly what you should feel.

‘We’ll throw you the best
Abortion shower’
So much love in these 7 words. Can you feel it?
All we need after stillbirth, after abortion, after any trauma I think, is love. Someone to talk to, someone to be with. Someone to show us love.

I love Amanda Palmer. For this song, but also for kicking shame and fear out of her way so she could speak and sing her heart and offer comfort and warmth to others.

and now what

And Now What?

and now whatThe grieving period is over, the tears are dry and they don’t visit as often as before. The pain feels different. Smiling and laughter come easier and more frequently, and suddenly a day goes by without thinking about my baby girl Ayelet.
So now what?

I think, this is what it means to “move on with my life”.

I don’t like this saying.
But I think the meaning is, at least for me, that the first phase of the process is over, and this experience is moving away from the centre of attention. This doesn’t happen quickly, it takes time. And time doesn’t heal. The only thing time does is allowing us (the time) to get used to this new situation. In my case, it was getting used to the fact that I went through stillbirth. That my Ayelet is gone.

And it’s a process, even now, almost 9 years after the stillbirth, I feel I’m still at a certain phase in the process of healing. I think it’s just the way that it is in life, right?
We are the sum of all our experiences. We deal with our most profound experiences throughout our lives, each time from a different point of view, according to where we are in life. After a while those experiences become a part of our bundle, hoping that these experiences will not determine our life’s choices. That our decisions will be made from a strong and confident place, not from a fear that is a result of a trauma.

As a graduate of very good therapy sessions, I feel safe to I say that the idea of healing from a trauma is accepting and understanding it. It’s like peace talks: no prior conditions, releasing all hostages (ourselves, right?) and just trying to live in peace with this trauma. Peace and acceptance. Acceptance and recognition- yes, this happened to me. Yes, sometimes it still hurts. It’s part of my life.
Life is a mixture of experiences and emotions, it’s not just “all good” or “all sad”.
All these experiences come together and are called “life”,  I will think happily about some of those experiences, others will make me miss someone, others will make me feel love.

How did I reach this point?
I went to therapy which really made all the difference for me and helped me on all levels. I also talked with my husband and close people about my fears, my pain and all the joy I had, and I continue to do so. I don’t go to therapy anymore, but I do keep close taps on myself, and when I think I need help, I ask for it and accept it.

Every stage of the process brings a deeper understanding, a wider acceptance and I would like to add, I don’t think about these losses I went through every single day.
There are days I don’t think about Ayelet or about my parents who passed away.
I would like to add, and wrap this thing up, that it’s Okay.

 

stillbirth

Why Am I Talking About Stillbirth?

stillbirth

First post on a new blog. What should I write, what should I write. Maybe it’s best to start with an answer to the question- why am I talking about stillbirth.
The first simple reason is that I want to.
I want to talk about stillbirth because I think it is not talked about enough. People try to avoid this topic. They do this because stillbirth is a difficult thing to hear about. So much pain, deep sadness, and the sheer thought that pregnancy can end with the death of our baby is a hard thing to handle.
But reality sometimes makes us face hard things to handle.
And life sometimes forces us to go through difficult things like stillbirth.
Conclusion: sometimes, life’s a bitch.

I don’t see this as a good reason to go on with the silence that surrounds stillbirth. I would suggest changing the rules and talk about all those things we “shouldn’t” speak of over the years: our struggles, traumas, loneliness, anger, sadness, and so on.
If we talk about it more, maybe it will be a little less challenging. Perhaps we will be able to help others who go through similar struggles. If we talk about it more, maybe we won’t feel so alone with our feelings.
I am not a fan of silences that hide emotions and feelings, especially around trauma.

This understanding brings me to the second reason why I want to talk about stillbirth:
I hope the loss I went through will have a meaning.
I don’t know why I went through stillbirth. I don’t know why I had to go through 37 weeks + 3 days of pregnancy, with all the check up’s and discomfort and everything that pregnancy brings with it, all this for- what exactly?
Why did I have to lose a baby?
There’s no one answer to this question. It’s one of those things that the answer is up to us. I can decide the answer to this question. If there’s a meaning that I can connect with, I just might feel more at peace with this experience. I might understand why I went through stillbirth.

One of four pregnancies ends in stillbirth. Why was my pregnancy the one? Why did this happen to me?
As I write this, I realize how much I need to give this experience meaning. And the meaning, for me, is to help others.
This is why I’m talking about stillbirth.